Reaching The Asshole Stage of Childhood

Let me just start off by saying my kids aren’t really an asshole. They, and most kids this age, just have some SERIOUS asshole tenancies. I’d say from about age 4 to 6 (maybe beyond, I don’t know, I haven’t gotten past 6 yet), they just…CHANGE! They find their voice & are no longer afraid to speak their mind. They suddenly grow a backbone. They master the backtalk & dagger eye stare. My only question…WHAT IN THE HELL HAPPENED?! My once sweet, gentle & caring princesses have turned into a ravenous, self-entitled, foaming-at-the-mouth, terrorists! Once upon a time kids did things the first time they were asked. Then they approach 4 & they are telling you what to do. And the comments! Dear lord, they have a comment for everything! Like with my kids, “Put your shoes away Sophia.” She tells me (with the dirtiest mean girl look) “why are yours out?  Why don’t you put yours away?” Hmmm…Well let me tell you why, dear. Because this is my house. I pay for this house so you can have a nice place to live. I clean this house so you don’t have to trip over toys that you leave all over the place. Everything you have under this roof is because of me and your father, so if I want to leave my shoes out, I will damn it.(God, that feels good)

Now don’t get me wrong. I love my girls so damn much, but this head spinning Linda Blair shit can go away at any time now. Just the other day I came out of the shower to both kids laughing like crazy. I giggled to myself, basking in the fact that my daughters are best friends. BUT NO! Do you want to know why they were having so much fun? Because they decided to have a water fight in the living room while I was in the shower. A WATER FIGHT! IN THE LIVING ROOM!! There were 6 empty water bottles all over the ground. Everything was soaked. The couch, the ground, the TV, each other, everything! Then they had the audacity to tell me to chill out. “It’s just water, Mom.”

During this time frame bedtime also becomes impossible. You know that book “Go The Fuck To Sleep?” That’s my life right. Each. And. Every. Night. It takes about an hour & a half. 38 drinks of water. 12 bathroom trips. 7 times of “I forgot my favorite toy & I can’t sleep without it” & they go to the absolute bottom of the toy box & pull out a toy I haven’t seen in a year. Then comes a fight. Either with me or with their dad because now they’ve decided they’re no longer tired. But you just have to hang in there because inevitably it will happen, they will fall asleep. It may be from sheer exhaustion from the yelling & crying, but hey, a win is a win.

Where was this information years ago? Like BEFORE they turned 4? I could have used the time to prepare. They tell you the “terrible two’s” are bad…please, there really is nothing terrible about it. Three was awful. People warned me about that. I was so happy to see 3 go. 4 wasn’t too bad with my oldest. However, my youngest who is now 4 has become a demon. An adorable little demon. 5 was absolutely fucking terrifying. When they are 5, you can’t even lock yourself in the bathroom anymore to hide. They WILL find you. And why didn’t anyone warn me!? Did people think I had it figured out by now? Was everyone playing a cruel joke on me? Do you all just hate me?

We’ve recently reached 6 with my oldest & well, she knows everything & she’s never wrong. It’s her way or the highway. But at the same time, the temper tantrums are less. She is more willing to help out, take on bigger roles. Can she be sassy? She was born that way. Can she be challenging? Absolutely. Now that she’s in Kindergarten full time, trying to get her out of bed every morning is like dealing with a teenager. And don’t even get me started on the fights over what she is going to wear. But at 6, I can see her coming into her own. And it’s a good thing.

I remember one time a friend told me their kid always acted like a “douche” & I thought “damn, how can anyone call their kid a douche? How can a kid even know how to act like a douche?” But I get it now. I totally get it. You’re kid’s a douche. My kid’s an asshole. #cheers

Look, I love being a mom. It’s my entire world. My girls are my entire world. And it’s true when people tell you how fast it all goes by & it’s true when they say you should cherish every minute. However, it’s ok to wish certain ages or phases hurry up & pass quickly. It’s ok to not cherish every single thing, like say…the age of 5 for example (seriously it’s the worst). It’s ok to get annoyed & fed up. It’s ok to fall apart & cry over it all. And yes, it’s even ok to call your kid an asshole because at some point they all are (just don’t say it to their face).

High Heeled Mommy xo

P.S. You have all been warned about 5. Even 4. You’re welcome, good luck & may God have mercy on your soul.



1 Comment

  1. Thank you for sharing. I needed a good laugh. lol. I feel the same way with my 3 and 2 year old girls.

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