Kids, This Is Why Mom’s Gone Bananas

So there’s this thing, it happens every so often (about 3 or 4 times a year), lasts a few weeks & wreaks absolute havoc on some. It’s called Mercury Retrograde & before y’all call me nuts, hear me out. In short, it’s when Mercury appears to move in a backwards or opposite direction of earth. It’s not actually going backwards, but it’s moving slower than earth causing the illusion that it’s moving backwards. Make sense? Yea, I don’t really get it either. HOWEVER, I do know that whatever the hell it is, it eats me alive every time. I didn’t know anything about this until about a year ago when I was complaining to a friend that I felt like I had a black cloud following me around lately & she casually replied with “oh, it’s just the retrograde, don’t worry.” The what? Huh? After she explained it & after googling it for awhile I am a total believer.

They say that the alignment of the planets, sun, moon, tides, whatever, can all have an impact on us. How? I don’t really know. It’s all science mumbo jumbo that I don’t understand. I need layman’s terms, people! Anyway, when Mercury is in retrograde it’s said to have a negative impact on all things;people, relationships, technology. You name it. It is said to cause major anxiety in some people, sleeplessness, memory loss, break ups, contracts gone wrong, deals falling through, etc. People who tend to suffer from depression might notice a bit more of feeling blue. It’s like Friday the 13th every day for 3 weeks.

I always know when it’s happening because I’ll have tons of anxiety & be an overtired, over emotional, hot mess. I become even more clumsy, foggy brained, even tongue tied. And let me tell you, trying to argue with a 6 year old when you can’t form a sentence does not work in your favor. Just a total hot mess. I’ve heard of doctors not scheduling surgeries during a retrograde & lawyers not signing contracts. We’re all just a little more superstitious. Or crazy. Maybe both.

April’s retrograde started April 10th & for the last week & half I’ve been bat shit crazy. I’m not sleeping well, my dreams are like an LSD trip, I spent 5 minutes looking for my sunglasses only to realize they were on my head & I put my car keys in the pantry. Why? Because of this stupid retrograde. Or I’ve just lost my marbles. Even my laptop completely went haywire & I had to buy a new one. Oh, I also ordered something online TWICE because I had completely forgotten I had already ordered it THE DAY BEFORE!! And one of my girlfriends told me she started thinking about an ex recently…yea, we are TOTALLY blaming that one on the retrograde.

The other day my husband asked what was up with me because I’ve been “different” the last few days. I should just wear a sign. Better yet dude, you should just take over for the next 3 weeks. A quick internet search will point out all the things you shouldn’t do during Mercury’s retrograde while at the same time telling you it’s also a good time to “reflect on” & “reorganize” things in your life. Really? I found my keys in my PANTRY…with my kids fruit snacks & Annie’s Cheddar Bunnies, the only reflecting I’m doing on my life is whether it’s actually time to commit myself or not. And that I need to reorganize the pantry.

Supposedly the people who aren’t bothered by a Mercury retrograde are the ones that were born during a Mercury retrograde. Eff those people. Or maybe you just aren’t in tune with your body. Whatever it is, I bet if you read about this retrograde & pay attention to yourself during one, you’ll find some wonky things going on too. Then you can be part of my Madres Locas club.

It all ends May 2nd, so to all of you feeling it’s effects just hang in there. If you can. Drink an extra glass of wine, pop an extra Ativan (just kidding, never take more than the prescribed amount), take an extra nap. And remember, when you start to feel yourself going crazy, it’s not you. It’s not your kids (it probably is a little), it’s not your husband (it most definitely is a little). You didn’t just come down with instant Alzheimer’s. It’s the bitch of all planets, the evil revolving planet…The Mercury Retrograde & all of it’s messy glory.

(I just want you all to know that while I was typing this I was also making my kids dinner to which I ended up dropping all over my damn oven. So yea, there’s that.)