*WARNING: You may not survive the age of 3. Use extreme caution when going head to head with a 3 year old!*
Now that that’s out of the way, let me start by saying (screaming) WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY SWEET PRECIOUS CHILD?! Three is just not a normal age…at least not for us moms! MY 3 year old seems to love being three. Yelling at me, barking orders at me, getting WHATEVER she wants because at this point I’m terrified if I say no to her, her head might start to spin! Seriously, how do things change SO damn drastically from two to three? It’s a YEAR! They go from helpless little toddlers needing their moms to help them function, to demonic 3 foot robots that have you under their full command 24/7!
I love when I hear people say “I’m terrified of the terrible two’s!” HA! Bitch, please! Two is a walk in the park…a unicorn that spits rainbows, even! Be afraid of three…Be VERY afraid!
Sophia turned 3 & THAT day it was like something had taken over her body. She gained a whole new vocabulary of pure sass. She calls me Jessica now instead of her sweet “Mama” that once melted my heart. She tells me to “back off” when I’m “annoying” her. Annoying you? How do you even know what that means? And I’m allowed to annoy you, damn it. I’m your mom! Forget naps at this age. It’s a battle you will not win! And yes, they will get tired come the end of the day, but they will still refuse to nap no matter what. Do you know what it’s like dealing with an overtired 3 year old?! HOLY HELL.
Then there’s the tantrums. When they’re two, they may whine & cry when they are pissed off. When they’re three, they melt down into a hot mess of psychotic. You will legit worry they may be possessed. Seriously, they will scream so loud that the noises become disturbing. They will turn red then purple & you’ll begin to worry they are going to pass out from lack of oxygen. Hitting! Hitting now occurs as well. It’s a hell of a good time when your 3 year old walks up & whales you…
These tantrums happen anywhere. Children have no shame. They don’t care where they are or who’s watching. Do you think they care that they are embarrassing YOU? No, definitely not! I’m so used to them happening in stores now (when she demands I buy her something) that I just look at the people staring at us in pure horror & inform them that “She’s 3.” Most of the woman around totally get it at that point & offer a sympathetic “I’ve been there.” One lady once told me it continues to the age of 17. I kind of wanted to knock her out. Thanks for the encouragement, lady!
I still have EIGHT freaking months to go before we get to four. Pray for me. Please.
Here are my top 10 reasons why THREE is worse than TWO!
1. At 2, they still can’t talk that much. At 3, they have a better vocabulary than most adults & never stop talking.
2. At 2, they whine a lot. At 3, they have level 3 explosive tantrums that are truly horrifying.
3. At 2, they want you to help them with everything. At 3, they don’t want your help with anything. They can do it all themselves…
4. At 2, they listen to you. You ask them to pick up the toy they just threw & they put their head down, pout & pick it up. At 3, they will whip that thing right at your head then tell you to back off.
5. At 2, they don’t know gross. At 3, they pick their nose, their butt, their ears…No shame.
6. At 2, you can change their diapers when you notice it’s full. At 3, you’re constantly following their frequent potty trips. You get used to public bathrooms REAL quick.
7. At 2, they will still allow you to put them in the shopping cart when you run errands. At 3, THERE IS NO RUNNING ERRANDS WITH A 3 YEAR OLD!!!
8. At 2, you wonder what their next new discovery will be. At 3, you FEAR which swear word they will pick up & yell in public.
9. At 2, you can get them to eat whatever you put in front of them. At 3, they will eat a handle of foods, none of which are healthy. And prepare for a battle if you try to tell them they can’t eat a popsicle for breakfast or cookies for dinner.
10. At 2, you can get away with bribing & manipulation. At 3, you can’t. They will laugh at you if you try. They own you. Just accept it.